It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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