is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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