Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
