so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
