People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
