I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
