our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
