After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
