member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
