Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
