OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
