You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
