There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
