Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
