I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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