Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
