I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
