he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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