Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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