Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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