Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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