I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
