Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
