I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
