im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
