Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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