I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
