We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
