I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
