you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
