i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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