dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
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The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...