apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
