I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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