You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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