Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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