Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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