well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
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I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Drunk is a universal language darling
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