My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
