so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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