with your own penis?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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