now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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