Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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