Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
