I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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