According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My vagina is very pro this idea
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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