The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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