so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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