6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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