I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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