The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
