he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
