Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
