it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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