I want to make a zoo with you.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize