once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
