My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
